1 Samuel – General
Is there anything worth reading in the first and second books of Samuel? Ought a prophet of God to hew a captured king in pieces? Is the story of the ark, its capture and return of importance to us? Is it possible that it was right, just and merciful to kill fifty thousand men because they had looked into a box? Of what use to us are the wars of Saul and David, the stories of Goliath and the Witch of Endor? Why should Jehovah have killed Uzzah for putting forth his hand to steady the ark, and forgiven David for murdering Uriah and stealing his wife?
1 Samuel 1:2 - "He [Samuel's father] had two wives." Once again, by its silence, the Bible endorses polygamy.
1 Samuel 1:5 - "The Lord had shut up her [Hannah's] womb." Why? The Bible doesn't say. Maybe God had nothing better to do.
1 Samuel 1:19-20 - "And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the Lord remembered her [he probably said something like, "Oh yeah, she's the one whose womb I shut up."]. And Hannah conceived and "bare a son [Oh boy, another boy!], and called his name Samuel."
1 Samuel 2:6, 25 - "The Lord killeth ..." Every chance he gets!
1 Samuel 2:8 - In Job 26:7 it is said that the earth sets upon nothing, but this verse says it sets upon pillars. FLAT EARTH!!!
1 Samuel 2:10 - "The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; out of heaven shall he thunder upon them." If God doesn't like you…
1 Samuel 2:21 - "And the Lord visited Hannah [again], so that she conceived." Did he get her pregnant in the usual way by doing it himself? Just the way Jesus was conceived.
1 Samuel 2:31-34 - If you're not careful God will cut off your arm, consume your eyes, grieve your heart, and kill your sons and grandfathers.
1 Samuel 6:4-5, 11, and 17 - After striking the Philistines with haemorrhoids "in their secret parts," he demands that they send him five golden haemorrhoids as a "trespass offering."
1 Samuel 6:19 - God kills 50,070 men for looking into the ark. "And the people lamented, because the Lord had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter." Yet God is supposed to be merciful. And what is he so afraid they will see?
1 Samuel 8:2 - Was Samuel's firstborn son Joel as this verse says or Vahni as is said in 1 Chr.6:28?
1 Samuel 10:11-12 - There are two stories (see 1 Sam.19:24) for the origin of the famous proverb: "Is Saul also among the prophets?" Both cannot be true.
1 Samuel 11:6-7 - "And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel [just as the Levite did to his concubine in Jg.19:22-30]". People do the darnedest things when the spirit of God comes upon them!
1 Samuel 14:12-14 - God delivers the Philistines into Johathan's hand. And his very "first slaughter ... was about twenty men." Not bad for a first-timer.
1 Samuel 14:20 - Under God's influence, the Philistines killed each other.
1 Samuel 15:2-3 - God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants, sucklings, ox, sheep, camels, and asses. Why? Because God remembered what Amalek did hundreds of years ago. What did this have to do with the present situation? Nothing! God just wanted to some more innocent people killed. Yet God is supposed to be merciful.
1 Samuel 15:7-26 - Saul killed everyone but Agag (the king) and the best of the animals. But still God was furious with Saul for not killing everything as he had been told to do. He said, "it repenteth me that I have set Saul up to be king." And He did not know this in advance?
1 Samuel 15:10-11, 35 - These verses say that God repented of making Saul king. But just a few verses later (15:29) it says that God never repents.
1 Samuel 15:29 - Does God repent or lie?
1 Samuel 15:32-34 - To please God, Samuel hacks Agag in pieces "before the Lord" [I bet God enjoyed that!]; after Agag pleads with him saying, "Surely the bitterness of death has past."
1 Samuel 16:10-11 - This passage says that Jesse had eight sons, but 1 Chr.2:13-15 says he had only seven.
1 Samuel 16:13 - After God rejects Saul for refusing to kill indiscriminately, he sends Samuel to find another king. David is chosen and anointed by Samuel, and "the spirit of the Lord came upon him from that day forward."
1 Samuel 16:14-16, 23 - "But the spirit of the Lord departed from Saul [since he was not murderous enough for God], and an evil spirit from the Lord troubled him." but if God is good, then how could he have an evil spirit? Maybe it is his evil twin?
1 Samuel 16:21-22 - From these verses it is clear that Saul knows David well. Yet later, in the next chapter (17:55-58), Saul can't even recognize David.
1 Samuel 16:23 - David plays his harp and makes Saul's "evil spirit from the Lord" go away.
1 Samuel 17:49-51 - How did David kill Goliath? With a sling (verse 50) or with a sword (verse 51)? Or did he kill him twice?
1 Samuel 17:50 - Here it says that David killed Goliath, but 2 Sam.21:19 say that Elhanan killed him. (The words "the brother of" were inserted into the text of the King James Version to avoid the obvious contradiction.)
1 Samuel 18:6-7 - David and Saul have a contest to see who can kill the most people for God, and the women act as cheerleaders saying, "Saul has killed his thousands, and David his tens of thousands."
1 Samuel 18:1-4 - "The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul ... And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments ... and his girdle." The first documented gay relationship.
1 Samuel 18:10 - "The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied". Need to say more?
1 Samuel 18:25-27 - David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous.
1 Samuel 19:2 - "Jonathan ... delighted much in David." ;-)
1 Samuel 19:8 - "David went out, and fought with the Philistines, and slew them with a great slaughter."
1 Samuel 19:9 - And the evil spirit from the Lord was upon Saul." Poor guy, he just can't keep God's evil spirit off of himself.
1 Samuel 19:24 - Saul gets a bit carried away with his prophesying "and he stripped off his clothes ... and lay down naked all that day and night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets?" (But see 1 Sam.10:11-12 for another story explaining the origin of this famous proverb.)
1 Samuel 20:30 - Saul is angered by his son's homosexual affair with David and says, "do not I know that thou has chosen the son of Jesse to thine own confusion of thy mother's nakedness?"
1 Samuel 20:41 - David and Jonathan "kissed one another, and wept with one another" when they parted for the last time.
1 Samuel 21:1 - When David fled from Saul and came to Nob the name of the high priest was Ahimelech. But in Mk.2:26, Jesus said his name was Abiathar.
1 Samuel 22:20 - This verse (and 23:6) says Abiathar was the son of Ahimelech. But several other verses say that Abiathar was Ahimelech's father.
1 Samuel 23:2 - "David inquires of the Lord, saying, Shall I go and smite these Philistines? And the Lord said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines ... So David smote them with a great slaughter."
1 Samuel 25:22, 34 - David vows to will kill "any that pisseth against the wall."
1 Samuel 25:38 - "And it came to pass about ten days after, that the Lord smote Nabal, that he died." This was convenient for David who then stole his property and his wife, Abigail.
1 Samuel 25:41-44 - So David takes his second wife (Abigail) after God killed he husband (Nabal). He also, at the same time, took another wife (#3), Abinam. In the meantime, Saul gave Michal (his daughter and David's first wife) to another man.
1 Samuel 27:8-11 - "And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive". (No wonder God liked David so much!) Among those that David exterminated were the Amalekites. But there couldn't have been any Amalekites to kill since Saul killed them all (1 Sam.15:7-8) just a little while before.
1 Samuel 28:8-19 - Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings Samuel back from the dead. Samuel once again explains that God is angry at Saul for not killing all of the Amelekites. He says God is going to deliver all of Israel into the hands of the Philistines. (Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people, God will slaughter the Israelites. Fair is fair.)
1 Samuel 28:13 - Samuel's witch sees gods coming out of the earth. Really? Well just how many gods are there anyway?
1 Samuel 30:1 - The Amalekites are a tough tribe. Twice they were "utterly destroyed": first by Saul (1 Sam.15:7-8) and then by David (1 Sam.27:9-11). Yet here they are, just a few years later, fighting the Israelites again!
1 Samuel 30:5 - David just keeps getting more wives. God doesn't seem to mind one bit.
1 Samuel 30:17 - David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites. They are completely wiped out again. (See 1 Sam.15:7-8, 20 and 27:8-9 for the last two times that they were exterminated.)
1 Samuel 31:4-6 - This verse claims that Saul committed suicide, but 2 Sam.1:8-10 says he was killed by an Amalekite, and 2 Sam.21:12 say that he was killed by the Philistines.
2 Samuel – General
According to "Samuel," David took a census of the people. This excited the wrath of Jehovah, and as a punishment he allowed David to choose seven years of famine, a flight of three months from pursuing enemies, or three days of pestilence. David, having confidence in God, chose the three days of pestilence; and. thereupon, God, the compassionate, on account of the sin of David, killed seventy thousand innocent men. Under the same circumstances, what would a devil have done?
2 Samuel 1:10 - In this verse an Amalekite says that he killed Saul. But 1 Sam.31:4 say that Saul committed suicide, and 2 Sam.21:12 says that the Philistines killed him. Which (if any) of these stories is true?
2 Samuel 1:18 - "Behold, it is written in the book of Jasher." Where? I can't seem to find a copy of this book.
2 Samuel 1:26 - David says to Jonathan: "very pleasant has thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of woman."
2 Samuel 2:8-9 - Some of Saul's family survived. Indeed, Ishbosheth (Saul's son) was made king and ruled for two years. Yet 1 Chr.10:6 states that all of Saul's family died with him.
2 Samuel 3:2-5 - David, by this time, has at least seven wives (Michal, Ahinoam, Abigail, Maacah, Haggith, Abital, and Ehlah), and he was just getting started.
2 Samuel 3:14 - David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines." Well, he actually paid with two hundred foreskins (see 1 Sam.18:27).
2 Samuel 3:27-29 - When Joab (David's captain) kills Abner (by smiting him under the fifth rib of course), David says that he and his kingdom are not responsible. The blame, he says, lies with Joab. So David curses Joab, his family, and their descendants forever. Let them all be plagued with venereal diseases and leprosy, starve to death, commit suicide, or lean on staves. (The Revised Standard Version translates "leaneth on a staff" as "holds a spindle," apparently meaning effeminate, real men don't spin or weave.)
2 Samuel 5:8 - Whoever kills the lame and the blind will be David's "chief and captain."
2 Samuel 5:13 - "And David took him more concubines and wives." (How many? God knows I suppose, but he doesn't tell us in the Bible.)
2 Samuel 5:14-16 - The same list is given twice in 1 Chronicles (1 Chr.3:5-8, 14:4-7), but none of these lists have the same set of names.
2 Samuel 5:19, 25 - David asks God if he should kill some more Philistines. God says yes, and he'll even help. So David and God "smote the Philistines" again.
2 Samuel 6:6-7 - Uzzah tries to keep the ark from falling off the cart, and God kills him for it. I guess it was God's way of saying Thanks. God is so taken with this story that he records it twice in the Bible: here and in 1 Chr.13:9-10. But in the 1 Samuel story, God kills Uzzah at "Nachon's threshing floor", while in 1 Chronicles it happens near the "threshing floor of Chidon."
2 Samuel 6:14, 20-22 - King David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody. Michal criticizes him for it and God punishes her by having "no child unto the day of her death." Although 2 Sam.21:8 say that she had five sons.
2 Samuel 7:13, 16 - God says that Solomon's kingdom will last forever. It didn't of course. It was entirely destroyed about 400 years after Solomon's death, never to be rebuilt.
2 Samuel 8:2-4 - David kills two thirds of the Moabites and makes the rest slaves. He also cripples the captured horses. Why?
2 Samuel 8:6, 14 - David kills and tortures thousands of people, "and the Lord preserved David withersoever he went."
2 Samuel 11:2-5 - David sees a woman (Bathsheba) bathing and likes what he sees. So he sends for her and commits adultery with her "for she was purified from her uncleanness." She conceives and bears a son (of course).
2 Samuel 11:15, 17, 27 - David tells Joab (his captain) to send Bathseba's husband (Uriah) to "the forefront of the hottest battle ... that he may be smitten and die." In this way, David gets another wife.
2 Samuel 12:7-8 - "Thus saith the Lord God of Israel, I anointed thee king over Israel ... and I gave thee ... thy master's wives."
2 Samuel 12:11-12 - God is angry at David for having Uriah killed. As a punishment, he will have David's wives raped by his neighbour while everyone else watches. It turns out that the "neighbour" that God sends to do his dirty work is David's own son, Absalom (16:22). Is God not just amazing?
2 Samuel 12:14-18 - To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy. So the rape of David’s wife’s was not enough?
2 Samuel 12:31 - David saws, hacks, and burns to death all the inhabitants of several cities. Maybe this is what is meant by "the tender mercies of David" (Acts 13:34).
2 Samuel 13:1-22 - Ammon (David's son) says to his half-sister Tamar, "Come lie with me, my sister." But she resists, so he rapes her and then sends her away. Tamar, knowing that she now belongs to him (since she was a virgin), expects him to marry her, but he refuses.
2 Samuel 13:28-29 - Absalom has his servants kill his brother for raping his sister. (This chapter, which includes incest, rape, murder, should be rated NC-18.)
2 Samuel 14:27 - This verse says that Absalom had three sons. Why then, a few chapters later (18:18), does Absalom say that he has no sons?
2 Samuel 16:21-22 - Absalom "went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel." This was according the God's plan as announced in 2 Sam.12:11-12.
2 Samuel 18:7 - In another biblical exaggeration, the servants of David kill 20,000 soldiers in one day.
2 Samuel 18:8 - "The wood [forest] devoured more people that day than the sword devoured." It must have been spooky forest to have devoured more than 20,000 soldiers. There were probably lots of lions and tigers and bears. (Oh my!)
2 Samuel 18:18 - This verse says that Absalom had no sons, but a few chapters before (14:27) he is said to have three sons.
2 Samuel 20:3 - David shows unusual restraint and "went not in unto his concubines." Instead, he imprisons them as a punishment for being raped by David's son, Absalom.
2 Samuel 21:1 - A famine is sent on David's kingdom for three years. When David asks God why, God answers: "It is for Saul, and his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites". So God sent a famine to punish a kingdom for something that a former king had done.
2 Samuel 21:1, 8-9, 14 - Does God approve of human sacrifice? According to these verses he does.
2 Samuel 21:6, 9 - To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have seven of Saul's sons killed and hung up "unto the Lord." But in other places the bible says that children are not to be punished for their father's sins.
2 Samuel 21:19 - "Elhanan ... slew Goliath." (The editors of the King James Version added the words "the brother of" to avoid the obvious contradiction. This is shown by the italics in the KJV.) But 1 Sam.17:23, 50 says that David killed Goliath.
2 Samuel 22:35 - "He teaches my hands to war." He might as well learn from an expert.
2 Samuel 24:1 - God tempts David to take census, though 1 Chr.21:1 says that Satan tempted David, and Jas.1:13 say that God never tempts anyone. Why did God or Satan tempt David to take the census? And what the heck is wrong with a census anyway?
2 Samuel 24:9 - How many soldiers did Israel have? This verse says that Judah and Israel had a total of 1,300,000 fighting men (1 Chr.21:5 says 1,570,000) in this battle. Of course, this is a ridiculously high number for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.)
2 Samuel 24:10 - David sinned in numbering the people. But 1 Kg.15:5 says that David never sinned, except for in the matter of Uriah.
2 Samuel 24:13 - God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the census: 1) seven years of famine (1 Chr.21:1 says three years), 2) three months fleeing from enemies, or 3) three days of pestilence. David can't decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men, innocent men.
2 Samuel 24:16 - Finally, when the angel is about to destroy Jerusalem; "the Lord repented." That's nice, but several Bible verses say that God cannot repent. And why would it be necessary for a good God to repent of the evil that he planned to do?
2 Samuel 24:17 - Even David can see the injustice of God's punishment (killing hundreds of thousands of people because David took a census). He pleads with God saying, "I have sinned ... but these sheep, what have they done?"
2 Samuel 24:24 - David bought the threshing floor for 50 shekels of silver. But 1 Chr.21:25 says he bought it for 600 shekels of gold.
